Where do I start?
Well, this page is dedicated to my journey in finding my way back to love after I lost it. Nah! I really haven't lost it. I still have the love in my heart, and I still love him though, but differently now. I would be such a liar to say that I don't love him now... I have completely forgotten the love and everything about him... blah... blah... blah... The truth is, once we love a person we will always love that person (I don't know who said those wise words, but whoever you are, I completely agree!) and accepting this little pill of reality- that I will have to constantly deal with memories of him (unless I undergo the same procedure as Jim Carrey had in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind) was I think the first part that I can say to myself that I'm over him. Yes! I loved him (that's already given, if I haven't loved him I don't know what to call all those sleepless nights crying over him, bargaining to God for his comeback, and even forgetting my heartaches just to make it right with him), and I may still have that smile whenever I encounter sweet memories of him- and speaking of which, I woke up today hugging the stuffed toy he gave me (I don't why I'm still keeping it), but I held on for a few more minutes on that comfortable feeling of hugging a nostalgia, not minding that I still have to go on duty by 6 am. I held on to that because it feels so good, and I'm in no contadiction with myself to fight back that memory maybe because I'm not at all bitter, and why would I be bitter? I mean, I spent 7 years of my life with him. To others it maybe a waste of time to have spent that long with someone and ended up separated, but for me that was 7 wonderful years of my life with him just having him by my side- supporting, understanding and loving, and any wonderfully written life must I think have that part where you love, you will be reciprocated back, and be broken. Eventhough I'm a sucker of no-brainer, feel-good rom com movies, I have my own lifestory to write maybe a little different from those movies but it's MY story.
It's been 3 years now since... It was just a petty everyday quarrel for over a long period then. It made me tired and I have made him tired, too. We were not our usual selves when we were together. After that redundant petty misunderstanding, I thought it was just a break we both needed. However, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, I still needed that break (I went out with friends and I have posted that thru FB to let him know I'm okay because we were not at all communicating- like none at all, and partly to remind him that I am that happy and carefree person he loved before all the trials). And just before I can say that I am okay to be okay with him, BOOM! February surprised me- he is already in another relationship, and that tore me apart (and that line right there was the world's worst understatement). Well, that hanging place was more than hell (although I haven't been to the real hell and I have no plans, thank God I am saved!) but that was the worst, and I mean the worstest of the worstest (that is superlative of the superlative form eh!) experience. However, I have learned to respect pain- recognizing that it is there and just pausing and crying, not minding where, when, how; all you knew was you needed that cry (even in the jeepney, where everyone was wondering and sympathizing or even eyebrow raising).
And this is why I have created this page to vent out my emotions and share the path that I have trodden to that day that I have found myself to love again. That day, TODAY.
But I guess I just simply "enjoyed" the path of finding my way back to love and not situating myself in love or hate context. I have simply slipped off from that part where I plan to write my journey on this page (but I have written most of them on my planner for it's private). The "moved on" part just came silently, where I just realize one day that I'm okay and I'm feeling much better now.
It was a long and tedious, sometimes dreary and most of the time lonely path to trod. You sometimes wake up on one fine morning, crying not knowing why. You sometimes realize that you're in the middle of the tunnel where both ends have a spec of light, the other end was going back to that familiar road and you are tempted to go back, but on the other end is another promise of light but not certain what.
You sometimes held on tight to that feeling- thinking that it is the best you have and it is the only best there is. You sometimes displace emotions to your friends or family because your emotional faculty is just so frail. But, you will just wake up one morning, knowing you have loved that much, and you can as much or even surpass that love the next time around.
Although I'm a sucker of fairytale ending, where the prince meets the princess (or another prince) and they will live happily ever after, where childhood and first-time lovers end up together and growing old together, but life is not like that, this is reality. I already have my past and what is important now is my NOW.
I have shared this page to a new-found blogger friend in Boracay, and he just said that this is pathetic. Although he find bloggers really interesting, I am the worst kind of interesting person in the whole world (presumming that he already met everybody in the whole world). But I say, am I really that pathetic loser? I dont know or maybe I am. #dontcare. This is how I usher myself back to living and loving.
Well I already have a rather long hullabaloo, but where do i start? Well, February. I have always challenged him- Surprise Me! and so far, February has not failed me yet.
Reminiscing...I will start from my Timehop feed.
One year ago, I had an entirely different Boracay trip (comparing with my previous Boracay getaway). Still, February has surprised me.
I was lost in reverie amidst the noise of partying. I went sunset daydreaming while sipping some piña colada, moon watching while dining alfresco beach front, then woke up early enough to catch the sunrise with the kicking warmth of a cup of coffee. It was what I just needed- a time off from work and a time to make new memories in Boracay, and a time to mend the broken pieces of my heart. Although not comepletely, I have opened myself to possibilities of a new love. It's not about making right choices but making the choice right. But hey! I dont have to be right, who says we are not allowed to make mistakes. I made many mistakes in the past, but look at me, rough edges smoothened, yet still smiling. And taking risks- all part of living.
I met this complete stranger (a travel blogger who I was following long enough to know his itinerary), and trusted him enough to share a room with- he ended up to be my travel buddy. He was that free-spirited person who welcomed anything in his life after the failed great love. Even after then, we continued exchanging messages and updates.
While this year's Boracay trip was just a sidetrip to the convention (the main reason of traveling that I have to attend with coleagues in Iloilo), February surprised me again. We went partying with Boracay Pubcrawl, and it stood true to its tagline- turn strangers into friends. I met this interestingly gorgeous Brazilian guy- Rafael, and even while writing this, the mere memory of him made me smile, smile so contagious that even weeks after the encounter, the emotion was still raw. We had wonderful time partying and exploring, and maybe perhaps limited myself in knowing other people who signed up with the same party. After that epic party night, we bid each other goodbye not knowing when will our paths cross again (exciting, this is so much like in movies).
To love island- Boracay- for quite sometime I have qualms of visiting you again for memories with the past might bring me whirling back to sadness, but now I have new fond memories with friends, myself and interesting people I met.
To love month- February- surprise me some more!
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